During yesterday's sitting meditation (solo, not with my sangha), I had an epiphany, of sorts.
I have been doing Metta or Loving-Kindness meditation for the last couple of weeks. Being more of a Zen practitioner, I hadn't done much of the Metta or Maitri (maitri is showing unconditional friendship with oneself) meditations. However, since my return to the West and my dissatisfaction with nearby Zen centres, I have been practicing at a local Shambhala centre, where I have learned a lot, not the least of which is the art of loving (no reference to Fromm intended!).
Doing Loving-Kindness meditation, I tend to focus on sending love and kind intentions to others, and, yes, to myself. One thing most people agree on is that one must truly love and care for themselves before it will be possible to share this with others. I figured I had this pretty much down - I thought I liked myself just fine. Except for all the bad stuff about myself, of course. And yesterday I finally got it - I have a negative track playing constantly in my head; I actually am not kind to myself, I do not love myself. I loathe myself.
This realization is a very happy thing - because now I can hold this, gently, in awareness. Now I can be kind to myself, I can do maitri and I can do metta. And I know this will eventually flow from me and engulf others.
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